King Tut Life-Sized Cabinet

We all know that books belong on a bookshelf. But where do you store your more valued paper possessions? Your countless tomes? Your enlightened manuscripts? Your priceless compendiums? That thing you wrote back in Junior year that was going to change the world? Surely a bookshelf is no place for these treasures. No indeed. Only pulpy, mainstream publications belong on something so base as a bookshelf. The cream of your intellectual crop belongs in a cabinet that befits a king. King Tut, to be exact. Spice up your home décor with a Life Sized King Tut Cabinet. Protect your valuables with your very own secret Pharaoh’s tomb. Books and more can be kept for eternity in this spacious sarcophagus. Additional benefits of keeping your collection secret and safe from intruders. When closed, it looks just like an authentic sarcophagus!! Those cat burglars will walk right by your precious library without giving it a second glance. And on the off chance that the burglar is not fooled by the cabinet’s meticulously hand-painted gold and jewel toned exterior, make sure to booby trap the inside. Just like a real Egyptian! Imagine how confused those thieves will be when they open the decoy sarcophagus and get a quiver of poisonous spikes to the chest instead of your prized book collection. Those Egyptians knew how to party. Great for the holidays! And all the days! Goes well in any room, and particularly, a rumpus room! Efficient and easy on the eyes. A great way to tie together all your vaguely foreign décor and wall hangings. Fits up to four canopic jars.

Also available, the King Tut CD-Rom Cabinet to complete your Egyptain motif. Guarantee that your extensive collection of Wham!’s greatest hits makes the journey into the next life with you. Standing at 27 inches tall, this mini-mummy is at perfect knee-smacking level. Fits up to 56 CDs (Compact Discs) or floppy dics, if you prefer. Probably only fits like 25-30 8-track tapes, though. And forget about laser dics, you’ll need the life-sized cabinet for those.

Because nothing says classy so much as a replica of a dead guy’s coffin.

Box of Laughter

You know you’re a funny person. But why don’t your friends ever laugh at your jokes? I’ll tell you why. They all suck. They’re horrible judges of humor because they’re either too sensitive or they simply don’t understand when something is funny. You need something that will appreciate your particular brand of humor no matter the situation. A friend who will always be there for you. Let me introduce to you the Box of Laughter. This little guy is eager to hear your hilarious quips and anecdotes. No story is “too long” or “too boring”. Your friends say your humor makes them uncomfortable? Well not this guy. He thinks your in-depth and graphic bowel movement jokes are hilarious. No need to fear the social backlash of racial and/or sexual humor. The box of laughter knows it was just a joke and that you’re not really a racist and/or sexist. Great for practicing stand up routines! Find out which jokes work and get your timing down. Also good to see which jokes fall flat (hint: none of them). You are amazing and it’s time someone noticed.

Also available, the box of applause, for the times you crave the recognition and praise you deserve.

Memorial Tea Light Holder

What could be more meaningful than a Memorial Tea Light Holder in the wake of horrible tragedy? Tea lights are the universal sign of grief tinged with hope. A tea light says, “I may be in mourning right now, but by God, I swear to live the rest of my life to the fullest. I will not waste my remaining time with frivolous things. I mean to make something of this life, dammit.” There are those who would argue that tea lights are inherently frivolous, and to them I would say, “Not so.” After all, there’s a reason we hold candlelight vigils for those recently departed. Do you think we do that for laughs? Obviously not.

This particular tea light holder has been hand crafted to optimize condolences. The terra cotta outer shell is a pleasing brown color. Brown like the dirt your dearly departed now rests in. The holder comes complete with a beautiful copper cap to extinguish both the flame, and metaphorically, your loved one’s life. Inscribed on the terra cotta is a meaningful and unique quote to show how much thought was put into the purchase. “In Memory...of a Life so beautifully lived...a Heart so deeply Loved”. Truer words were never spoken.

Don’t know anyone recently passed? I’m sure you can think of someone. Maybe it’s a friend of a friend? And maybe they died a while ago. It may be too late for that acquaintance, but it’s never too late to give the Memorial Tea Light Holder. Now I know what you’re thinking. Won’t I be drudging up painful memories in the otherwise sunny lives of those I love? No. They’ll be touched that you still remember Great Aunt Belinda after 5 years. The memorial tea light holder is eternal, unlike our fleeting existence in this mortal coil. If you really can’t think of anyone who would benefit from this special gift right now, just hang on to it until needed. You never know when one of your friends or family will kick the bucket. And then won’t you look prepared.

Also, make sure to spring for a tea light to go inside the holder. Don’t be cheap, you insensitive bastard.

The Tender Caress Sculpture

Look, let me break it down for you, fella. The ladies love a sensitive guy. They want a man who can be there for them not only physically, but emotionally too. They want this guy. The tender caress statue embodies the perfect balance of physical and emotional support any lady requires of her man. The statue man cradles his lady, giving her a feeling of security she hasn’t felt since she was a newborn. His appearance also works to put his lady at ease. Note the elfish haircut and delicate facial features. The slight tilt of his head. All signs pointing to a man who knows his way around a relationship talk.

By purchasing this statue, you can show any potential lady friends that not only will you showcase your sexual prowess in the bedroom, but you’ll also cuddle afterwards. This statue says to a lady, “Hey, I will tenderly caress you in all the right ways, and possibly some of the wrong ones, but only if you’re ok with that because I want to respect your boundaries”. Upon seeing this paragon of sculpted sensuality, your lady will know that you’re willing to wear pink, give backrubs, cry - whatever it takes to appear sensitive. Remember: instead of presenting your lady with a raging boner, try to show her your raging sense of empathy with this statue.

Beating Heart Pillows

First time leaving the nest? Just got brutally dumped? Lying awake at night wallowing in a crippling sense of loneliness and failure? The answer to all your suffering is here!

Lose yourself in the soft texture of the one heart that will remain forever yours and never stray. Let the rhythmic pulse wipe away your tears and soothe away painful memories. Take comfort in the softly blinking LED light that lets you know: no matter how rough the outside world gets, there is a safe haven waiting for you in your bed. Now don't you want to take a handful of Xanax and live the rest of your life in the cockles of your beating heart pillow? Especially when it comes in two different sizes and colors to fit any decor?

Why seek love when you can buy yourself an electronic, unconditionally-yours, beating heart? Don't forget to stock up on batteries!

Uncle Sam Shower Curtain

So you finally got that girl you like back to your place. If all goes well, you'll even get her into the bedroom. At the very least, prolonged stay plus liquid refreshments means that at some point in time, she's going to use your bathroom.

Forget the sophisticated throw pillows you got from your mom for Christmas, the hip stemless wine glasses you got for two bucks a pop from Crate & Barrel. The bathroom is where you are going wow her pants off with this absolute gem (literally, unless she pees like a dude, in which case, you are gonna be the one blown away).

Nothing says get down with your bad self like red, white and blue machine-washable shower curtains! Stars? Oh yes! Stripes? More, more!! Stars-and-stripes-patterned top hat motif? Don't stop you patriotic stud muffin!!!

She'll be so impressed with your hardcore jingoism that you won't even need to subtly direct her attention to the Trojan Magnums you "accidentally" left out on the sink as she leaves the bathroom in awe. Bonus points if you've got the matching bath rug!

Leather Scented Candle

Can't afford real leather interior in your new sedan? No problem. Throw this baby on the dashboard and light 'er up, and within minutes no one will be able to tell they aren't sitting on real cowhide.

Thinking of joining PETA to please a significant other, but not sure how you'll give up all your favorite former-animals-cum-furniture? This thing works just like a nicotine patch, which, by the way, is something else you'll probably need if you really want your relationship to progress. Start off burning it for a few hours, and slowly decrease the duration each day. You'll be throwing red paint all over old ladies on their way to the theater in no time.