The King's Royal Chalice

87% of men state that they don't have enough sex. Well, I don't really know, 83% of all statistics are made up. Okay, now I'm actively lying. The fact is, when it comes to sex, what is "enough"? Chaffing is probably bad, but as long as you stay on the comfortable side of inflammation, "too much" is the lie people tell in polite society so they don't appear to be degenerate libertines. But I digress. My point, as I meander slowly towards it, is this: think you aren't getting laid nearly enough? The answer to your problems lies within the goblets shown above (quite literally, as getting the other party liquored up never hurts your chances).

Why waste your time getting to know the other person when you can just bust out these babies? For the gents, these say you like to hold open doors, pull out chairs, pay for dinner, and have a nice drink to unwind after a hard day of LARPing in the woods behind your house. As for the ladies, with these gems, you tell that special lord there is a surprise hiding under the corset and chastity belt. Whether that surprise is a stuffed bra and the clap is just the luck of the draw (don't lie, we all know that lock to your belt has been picked by quite a few stable boys).

Note the fool's-gold sheen and the intricate design. There is even a convenient spot for personalization. Engrave the crap out of it. Initials in a fancy illuminated manuscript font, the family crest, the coat of arms you drew up with your D&D buddies, sky's the limit! And who doesn't love the taste of Franzia with a nice metallic finish? Give it a shot, really rounds out the fruity notes of the wine doesn't it?

Get these precious goblets before the next Renaissance Fair. You won't regret it. Or should I say, ye.

*Leather bound books and really shiny grapes not included.