Sunday, September 12, 2010
Box of Laughter
You know you’re a funny person. But why don’t your friends ever laugh at your jokes? I’ll tell you why. They all suck. They’re horrible judges of humor because they’re either too sensitive or they simply don’t understand when something is funny. You need something that will appreciate your particular brand of humor no matter the situation. A friend who will always be there for you. Let me introduce to you the Box of Laughter. This little guy is eager to hear your hilarious quips and anecdotes. No story is “too long” or “too boring”. Your friends say your humor makes them uncomfortable? Well not this guy. He thinks your in-depth and graphic bowel movement jokes are hilarious. No need to fear the social backlash of racial and/or sexual humor. The box of laughter knows it was just a joke and that you’re not really a racist and/or sexist. Great for practicing stand up routines! Find out which jokes work and get your timing down. Also good to see which jokes fall flat (hint: none of them). You are amazing and it’s time someone noticed.
Also available, the box of applause, for the times you crave the recognition and praise you deserve.
Monday, September 6, 2010
Memorial Tea Light Holder
What could be more meaningful than a Memorial Tea Light Holder in the wake of horrible tragedy? Tea lights are the universal sign of grief tinged with hope. A tea light says, “I may be in mourning right now, but by God, I swear to live the rest of my life to the fullest. I will not waste my remaining time with frivolous things. I mean to make something of this life, dammit.” There are those who would argue that tea lights are inherently frivolous, and to them I would say, “Not so.” After all, there’s a reason we hold candlelight vigils for those recently departed. Do you think we do that for laughs? Obviously not.
This particular tea light holder has been hand crafted to optimize condolences. The terra cotta outer shell is a pleasing brown color. Brown like the dirt your dearly departed now rests in. The holder comes complete with a beautiful copper cap to extinguish both the flame, and metaphorically, your loved one’s life. Inscribed on the terra cotta is a meaningful and unique quote to show how much thought was put into the purchase. “In Memory...of a Life so beautifully lived...a Heart so deeply Loved”. Truer words were never spoken.
Don’t know anyone recently passed? I’m sure you can think of someone. Maybe it’s a friend of a friend? And maybe they died a while ago. It may be too late for that acquaintance, but it’s never too late to give the Memorial Tea Light Holder. Now I know what you’re thinking. Won’t I be drudging up painful memories in the otherwise sunny lives of those I love? No. They’ll be touched that you still remember Great Aunt Belinda after 5 years. The memorial tea light holder is eternal, unlike our fleeting existence in this mortal coil. If you really can’t think of anyone who would benefit from this special gift right now, just hang on to it until needed. You never know when one of your friends or family will kick the bucket. And then won’t you look prepared.
Also, make sure to spring for a tea light to go inside the holder. Don’t be cheap, you insensitive bastard.
Sunday, September 5, 2010
The King's Royal Chalice
Note the fool's-gold sheen and the intricate design. There is even a convenient spot for personalization. Engrave the crap out of it. Initials in a fancy illuminated manuscript font, the family crest, the coat of arms you drew up with your D&D buddies, sky's the limit! And who doesn't love the taste of Franzia with a nice metallic finish? Give it a shot, really rounds out the fruity notes of the wine doesn't it?
Get these precious goblets before the next Renaissance Fair. You won't regret it. Or should I say, ye.
*Leather bound books and really shiny grapes not included.
Friday, September 3, 2010
Portable DVD Boom Box
That sucked, didn’t it? Alright, now let’s reimagine that situation. Your friends are hanging at the boardwalk (no drugs this time - they’re bad for you), when all of their iPods stop working. They look at each other stupidly (seriously, you should consider getting new friends). Suddenly, out of nowhere, a helicopter appears above the boardwalk. You do a flip from the helicopter landing rail and parachute down to your friends while wearing roller skates. They are stunned as you land in front of them carrying a Portable DVD Boom Box. “Out of tunes?” you smoothly ask. You all laugh at your hilarious quip and everyone congratulates you on thinking ahead. But Billy looks troubled. You say, “Why do you look so troubled, Billy?” “I’ve got this DVD of [insert popular 80s television show here] that I wanted to watch, but we’re nowhere near a home entertainment system!” “Oh, Billy”, you scold him, “Can’t you see that I’m holding the answer to your problems right here in my strong yet supple hands?” Slowly he realizes that your Boom Box is also a DVD player. “Hey, that’s a DVD player too! My problems are solved!” Once again, you’re a hero to all your friends. As everyone laughs in anticipation of the great day you will all have and at Billy’s simple mind, a great white shark jumps out of the water, headed straight for your group! You punch the shark right square in its face, and it falls to the ground dead. “Not today, shark”, you cleverly retort. Your one liners are especially spot on today. The mayor shows up and gives you a medal of honor for “sharkpunching and general awesomeness”. Alright, which situation was better?
I think you know what you need to do.
The Tender Caress Sculpture
By purchasing this statue, you can show any potential lady friends that not only will you showcase your sexual prowess in the bedroom, but you’ll also cuddle afterwards. This statue says to a lady, “Hey, I will tenderly caress you in all the right ways, and possibly some of the wrong ones, but only if you’re ok with that because I want to respect your boundaries”. Upon seeing this paragon of sculpted sensuality, your lady will know that you’re willing to wear pink, give backrubs, cry - whatever it takes to appear sensitive. Remember: instead of presenting your lady with a raging boner, try to show her your raging sense of empathy with this statue.