Beating Heart Pillows

First time leaving the nest? Just got brutally dumped? Lying awake at night wallowing in a crippling sense of loneliness and failure? The answer to all your suffering is here!

Lose yourself in the soft texture of the one heart that will remain forever yours and never stray. Let the rhythmic pulse wipe away your tears and soothe away painful memories. Take comfort in the softly blinking LED light that lets you know: no matter how rough the outside world gets, there is a safe haven waiting for you in your bed. Now don't you want to take a handful of Xanax and live the rest of your life in the cockles of your beating heart pillow? Especially when it comes in two different sizes and colors to fit any decor?

Why seek love when you can buy yourself an electronic, unconditionally-yours, beating heart? Don't forget to stock up on batteries!

Uncle Sam Shower Curtain

So you finally got that girl you like back to your place. If all goes well, you'll even get her into the bedroom. At the very least, prolonged stay plus liquid refreshments means that at some point in time, she's going to use your bathroom.

Forget the sophisticated throw pillows you got from your mom for Christmas, the hip stemless wine glasses you got for two bucks a pop from Crate & Barrel. The bathroom is where you are going wow her pants off with this absolute gem (literally, unless she pees like a dude, in which case, you are gonna be the one blown away).

Nothing says get down with your bad self like red, white and blue machine-washable shower curtains! Stars? Oh yes! Stripes? More, more!! Stars-and-stripes-patterned top hat motif? Don't stop you patriotic stud muffin!!!

She'll be so impressed with your hardcore jingoism that you won't even need to subtly direct her attention to the Trojan Magnums you "accidentally" left out on the sink as she leaves the bathroom in awe. Bonus points if you've got the matching bath rug!

"The Price is Right" on DVD

If you ever go back in time, it's imperative that you don't let on to the fact that you're from The Future, or you could destroy the whole universe as we know it. Unfortunately, this is harder than it sounds. People will catch on to the fact that you're from The Future as soon as you step in a store and start exclaiming how cheap everything is. This DVD box set therefore ought to be in everyone's collection. You just never know when you'll need to know how much a box of macaroni cost in 1979.

The Cole Cleaner

With the swine flu affecting over a million people in the U.S. alone, it is only a matter of time before it sticks its snout in your neighborhood. This handy device will ensure you stay healthy while you drink your daily 6-pack. It blasts your can top with UV rays, ensuring that any germ that dares threaten your immune system will be annihilated before it even gets the chance to fight. And if some infected person coughs on you, it doubles as an emergency body-cleansing station. Just stick your hands, feet, or face under it for a few minutes, and you're swine-free.

Leather Scented Candle

Can't afford real leather interior in your new sedan? No problem. Throw this baby on the dashboard and light 'er up, and within minutes no one will be able to tell they aren't sitting on real cowhide.

Thinking of joining PETA to please a significant other, but not sure how you'll give up all your favorite former-animals-cum-furniture? This thing works just like a nicotine patch, which, by the way, is something else you'll probably need if you really want your relationship to progress. Start off burning it for a few hours, and slowly decrease the duration each day. You'll be throwing red paint all over old ladies on their way to the theater in no time.